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NVC Resources on Connection

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Choosing Whom We Empathize With

to, pain can answer our most crucial questions, even those we did not consciously frame." —Marilyn Ferguson I have learned that empathizing with some people does not meet my own needs for connection, rest, or joy. This may be because my own needs are so great or because I have other, more pressing needs than can be met through empathy. One of the basic philosophies of Nonviolent Communication is...
Nothing but the Facts

and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing. —Don Miguel Ruiz Observation free of judgment, evaluation, or a story about why somebody said or did something is critical to creating a connection with others and maintaining a Nonviolent Communication consciousness. There is often a large gap between what we experience and the story we make up about it. Imagine you see someone driving down...
Stimulus vs. Cause

Consider what can happen when a dear friend punches you in the arm as a greeting. You might be happy to see him and you enjoy the punch in the arm because your needs include fun, friendship, and connection. On another day, this same friend gives you a punch on the arm. You are still happy to see him, but your arm had been injured the day before, so the punch stimulates pain. In this case, you...
Evaluations vs. Feelings

you see as wrong, and expressing your feelings helps the other person know how deeply this issue affects you. In addition, stating true feelings rather than evaluation brings clarity and connection to both the speaker and the other person. Be aware today of times when you are attempting to express a feeling, but you express a thought instead. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's...
Demands vs Requests

mow the lawn that day. Such a demand limits the possibilities and creates distance between people. Making a request that truly values everyone’s needs equally opens possibilities and helps build connection. Be aware of how you feel today when you hear someone’s request as a demand. Can you think of a response other than succumbing or rebelling? This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary...
Life-Alienating Communication

intimacy, and many others. Be aware of times when you are judging others, making comparisons, or denying responsibility for your actions. Notice how these communication patterns affect your connection with other people. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press. Keywords: Jackal Judgements Life-alienating Criticism Blame...
Defining Enough

to achieve that goal and do it. Be aware of times when you are judging others, making comparisons, or denying responsibility for your actions. Notice how these communication patterns affect your connection with other people. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book, Peaceful Living, available from PuddleDancer Press. Keywords: Enough Success Goal Achievement Standards Mary...
A Focus on Needs

There are endless ways to meet our needs. Conflict occurs when we argue over strategies, like whether to go dancing or not. When we actively value everyone’s needs, we foster openness and deeper connection in our relationships. Be aware of opportunities to focus on needs in order to resolve an issue with at least one person today. This trainer tip is an excerpt from Mary Mackenzie's book,...
Communicating Our Deepest Desires

Trainer Tip "In order to create a true connection, honesty is just as important as empathy." —Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., Founder Nonviolent Communication If you are not happy in your relationships or in your life, the chances are good that your communication patterns are part of the problem. I have noticed, in fact, that we often try to protect ourselves rather than ask for what we really...
Distinguishing Self-Revealing from Projection

I take responsibility for my feelings by linking them to what I hold dear rather than something outside myself. I make my internal experience transparent to you for the purpose of inviting connection and collaboration. Projection Making visible my thoughts I choose to express an interpretation that makes sense to me. Telling you your inner experience from my perspective, I give you my analysis....