Inbal Kashtan and Miki Kashtan
Inbal Kashtan (1965-2014), MA, CNVC Certified Trainer, was co-founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication (BayNVC), co-leader of BayNVC's North America NVC Leadership Program and the coordinator of the Center for Nonviolent Communication's Peaceful Families, Peaceful World Project. Inbal was the author of Parenting from Your Heart: Sharing the Gifts of Compassion, Connection, and Choice, about a dozen articles and a CD: Connected Parenting: Nonviolent Communication in Daily Life. She enjoyed developing curricular materials and processes for learning NVC, including the NVC Tree of Life, Body NVC and many journals that support deepening self-connection and integration of NVC consciousness and skills.
Inbal was passionate about nurturing the development of current and future NVC leaders and exploring the application of NVC in social change arenas. She aimed to support people to integrate and live in NVC consciousness, and was continually moved by the beauty and power of the internal and group transformation that emerges from deep engagement with ourselves, with others and with life.
Miki Kashtan is a co-founder of Bay Area Nonviolent Communication (BayNVC) and Lead Collaboration Consultant at the Center for Efficient Collaboration. Miki aims to support visionary leadership and shape a livable future using collaborative tools based on the principles of Nonviolent Communication. She shares these tools through meeting facilitation, mediation, consulting, coaching, and training for organizations and committed individuals. Her latest book, The Highest Common Denominator: Using Convergent Facilitation to Reach Breakthrough Collaborative Decisions (2021) explores the practices and systems needed for a collaborative society. She is also the author of Reweaving Our Human Fabric: Working together to Create a Nonviolent Future, Spinning Threads of Radical Aliveness: Transcending the Legacy of Separation in Our Individual Lives, and The Little Book of Courageous Living. Miki blogs at The Fearless Heart and her articles have appeared in the New York Times ("Want Teamwork? Encourage Free Speech"), Tikkun, Waging Nonviolence, Shareable, Peace and Conflict, and elsewhere. She holds a Ph.D. in Sociology from UC Berkeley.
Use this exercise to stay in dialogue and connect to needs while facing a “no”. Identify a situation where you have low confidence that you'll get your needs met, and it'll be hard hearing a “no” to your request. Explore your response to the “no” by working with feelings, needs, request and alternate strategies. Thus you can work towards meeting your needs while also releasing the idea that your needs “have to” be met.
For this exercise choose a situation in which you have said a “yes” to someone‛s request but you didn't experience your “yes” as given freely or joyfully. Then explore judgements, feelings, needs, and alternate strategies that come up in relation to your “yes”, your “no”, and in relation to what the other person might be experiencing.
Here are 14 more key differentiations that are not, at time of publishing this, on the CNVC key differentiations list. They can be used to support people who are on the path of learning and integrating NVC in making sense of their own understanding of their journey and where they are within it. And it can be used to support people who share NVC with others in offering brief information in support of understanding and learning.
Fully connecting to the deeper need under the anger can transform and release the anger, without requiring the other person to do anything differently. From there, you can reach an understanding of the other person's experience, feelings and needs underlying the actions that stimulated your anger to re-establish connection with your own and the other person's humanity.
Here's a table outlining eight ideas people have regarding what NVC "is". It provides columns for the principle, related needs and strategies of the NVC approach. You can add to the table your own ideas for NVC approaches. Included are five sets of reflection questions to explore what speaks to you, what would expand your range of options, what brings up discomfort, and more.
Try this four step exercise for making connection requests to support understanding, and to learn what effect your words had on the listener. In this exercise you'll choose a situation where you have clarity about what outcome will really work for you (your solution request), but where you imagine your desired outcome may not work for the other person, and/or are not sure there is sufficient connection for mutual trust.
NVC practice is based on several key assumptions and intentions. When we live based on these assumptions and intentions, self-connection and connection with others become increasingly possible and easy, helping us contribute to a world where everyone’s needs are attended to peacefully.
Connection requests focus on the quality of connection between people instead of on any particular strategy or solution. While the core motivation for a connection request may be connection with the other person, varied internal states and needs may help guide us toward different types of connection requests. Self-connection and understanding of our motivation in making a connection request can therefore greatly support our capacity for discovering and articulating what specifically we want from the other person that we believe may contribute to connection.